Thursday, January 1, 2009

Maxims for the New Year

Rules and Maxims for the New Year

by Norm Kent

1. Auto industry executives have joined baseball players as the most overpaid professionals in the world. Just as I am sure that there are some fantasy league l general managers who could run teams better than baseball executives, I bet there are a lot of auto dealers who have been selling cars for the past 30 years that could have done a lot better than those big shots in Detroit did.

2. Our government can’t fight a war, clean up after a hurricane, or regulate a single industry. We don’t just need term limits for politicians, we need SAT tests.

3. The kid you played stickball with in a schoolyard when you were six years old may grow up to be a crook at 50. Every era in American history has been poisoned by corrupt thieves who made off with a fortune while you paid the price.

4. Anyone who smokes may not deserve to get cancer but they sure do not deserve money from jurors for getting sick. You don’t need labels to tell you to stop smoking.

5. If Barney wants to marry Bill and live together in Wilton Manors, no straight couple in Tallahassee has a right to vote on an amendment saying they cannot.

6. Speaking of which, one of the rights the justices ruling on the constitution have forgotten to protect in the past two hundred years is the ‘pursuit of happiness.. .’

7. If pot is so bad, how come more Americans died last year from ice cream cones and spinach?

9. The only time in the last eight years our Vice President was on target was when he shot his lawyer friend while hunting.

10. There is no question that George Bush was loyal to Laura, but when you look at what a mess the country is in maybe he should have taken some pointers from Bill Clinton and screwed around a little more.

11. Rush Limbaugh belongs in jail for trafficking in oxycontin, not on the air trafficking in hate.

12. I do not care how many times Brittany Spears goes into rehab, and Hulk Hogan’s family or Anna Nicole Smith’s should not be your role models. Try your mom instead.

13. I don’t care if he was a Vietnam war vet, I do not need to feel sympathy for a 60 year old man who says he is homeless because of post traumatic stress disorder from a war forty years ago. Get over it. Move on.

14. In real life, all crime is not solved in 48 minutes like you see on ‘Law and Order’ and ‘CSI’. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and bad people go free and the good unfairly suffer.

15. When everyone in your world has abandoned or left you, your family will be by your side to ridicule you, laugh at you, and say ‘I told you so.’

16. Alexander the Great conquered half the world by the time he was 21, and he did not have a cel phone.

17. I still have a lover’s quarrel with the world, but I can no longer see that world without reading glasses. I am not sure the golden years are golden. I think they are more like the beginning of the end. Make sure you enjoy the ride while you can.

18. If all the politicians in America are too stupid to figure out a way to provide health care for every American, can we at least devise a method to take care of every kid?

19. If you have to perform under the name of Lady Ga Ga this year, no one will know who you are in 10 years.

20. Laugh more. Eat less. Drink Coca Cola. Drive Safe. Save the Earth. Don’t expect to win the Lottery and avoid the inane, banal hosts who infest the air waves on New Year’s Eve.

21. One final thought for the start of the year. You love your dog. He loves you. I saw this plaque: Try to live your life being the kind of person he thinks you are.

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